Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

Slumps don't bother me.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.