Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.