My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.

There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.