My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.

Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.