Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

Spring time is the land awakening.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.