Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.