Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.