I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.

Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.