I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.