I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.

You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!

If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once.

I can't think of a performer who is better on television than in person.

Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it.

The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it.

A Consultant is a guy who knows 125 different ways to make love, but who doesn't know any women.