Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.

The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it.

You know when Jerry Ford gets the best joke, you know you're in trouble.

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once.

Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.