Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.

If you call your opponent a politician, it's grounds for libel.

The thing that you're faulted on today is not that you are too tough, or not that you aren't careful. It's that you might have been too soft. People want that red meat now because you have to keep up with the mood and the mood today is harsh. It really is.

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.

You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!

If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once.

The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!