If I ever complain to an agent about anything, he always has a pained look on his face, like, "How can you be so ungrateful? Why, Mick, I just named my yacht after you!"

I've been short all my life. And if anyone wonders what my dying wish will be, they can stop wondering. That will be easy. I'll just tell them, 'I'll have a short bier.'

Someone once asked me what I want on my epitaph when I pass away. Just the words 'I tried.' That's what this game of life is all about. Trying. There's the tryers, the criers, and the liars.

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

When I was 19 years old, I was the number one star of the world for two years. When I was 40, nobody wanted me.

John Frances, Entertainment Chair, of the Friars Club: Of all the roasts that I have produced for the Friars Club, this is the one that I am most excited about. Mickey is one of the Club's dearest friends, and we wanted to honor him in the way we know best.

Hollywood has unfortunately become a memory. It's nothing but a sign on the side of a hill.