It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.