It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.