I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.