In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.