In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.