In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!