My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.