My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.