My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.