War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?