War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?