My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands