I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.