I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.