I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!