I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.