Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.