I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.