I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!