I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."