I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.