I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.