The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.