They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.