They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.