They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.