A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.