This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.