I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.