I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!