I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.