I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?