Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.