Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"