Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.