Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.