Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.