Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.