Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.