I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.