If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.