My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.