My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.