Laughter is an instant vacation.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.