Laughter is an instant vacation.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.