All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?