All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.