I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.