I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.