I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.