My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.