My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.