Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"