I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.