My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.