You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.