One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.