One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.