Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.