Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?