When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.