When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!