When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.