When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?