When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.