A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.