Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.