I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?