I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.