At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.