At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.