At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.