I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.