For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!