What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.