What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.