I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.