I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?