I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!