I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.